My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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