At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
