this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
3 2 1 whiskey
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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