Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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