She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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