..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
