Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
