honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
