***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
