I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
