I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
