awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
