Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
