I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
