god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
