i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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