she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Can I color on your dick again?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Don't tell me you're on acid again
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
