The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
