i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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