He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
