that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
You left your phone here
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