I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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