when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
