I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
