I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
