my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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