His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
