My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
