T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
