this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
