apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Pants are for mortals
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
