TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
