I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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