We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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