The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
