Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
