Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You pole danced in your parka.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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