he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
