Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
