If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
