Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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