Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
