It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
