Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
