ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
