Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My sheets look like a crime scene.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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