went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
