I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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