For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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