Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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