Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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