Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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