When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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