Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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