I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
